On Wifehood, Step-mothering, and Expat Life: Year One
A few months ago, my 16-year-old stepdaughter, LeLe, got honest about her initial fears of meeting me. Her dad and I met way back in 1995, lost touch, and then got back together over WeChat during the pandemic lockdown.
LeLe, myself, and HuaWei during Chinese New Year dinner.
"I was afraid you'd be like a typical American," she said, twisting her face into something unrecognizable.
Perplexed, I asked, "What’s a ‘typical’ American like?"
"You know," she said, "like a Kardashian."
!?!? Hmmmm….
I wouldn’t mind their glam, but I'm glad she appreciates my personality instead.
June 2024, marks a year since I zipped up the street on the back of an elect ric bike—those silent chariots of haste—to the Haidan District Service Center in Beijing.
A few scribbles and some emphatic stamping later, and voila: I was not only a wife but also a stepmother in China. Just like that.
My year in review:
The Rookie Wife
Cozy Nights Over City Lights
Maybe it’s because I waited until 50 to get hitched, but I figured my husband, HuaWei, and I would be out on the town a bit more. Where to? I hadn’t really thought that through. Turns out, we’re both perfectly content staying in. Once it nears 10 PM, any place not within arm's reach of bed just seems unnecessarily extravagant.
When Culinary Expecations Meet Reality
I had this idea that my husband would be the king of the kitchen, given his stint in restaurants during his 20s. That little historical tidbit convinced me we’d fall into a neat division of labor: he’d cook, I’d clean. Well, reality checked in, and it turns out my wifely duties extend to both scrubbing the dishes and frying up eggs and bacon on those days when even the thought of eating out feels like too much work.
LiangMa Bridge in the ChaoYang District of Beijing in September
Sometimes Silence Isn’t Golden
HuaWei doesn’t have mind-reading superpowers. Not even when I'm visibly miffed.
Like when he decides to blast music and a video simultaneously, at full volume. Despite my best attempts at heavy, precision-grade sulking, it just doesn't cut it.
I’ve learned to use my words, "Please. Just pick one, dear."
The Quirk’s of a Modern Chinese Man’s Man
Aside from upholding the traditional role of providing and protecting, HuaWei also holds some strong opinions about KFC. According to him, 'It’s fine to take your wife, your kid, maybe your elderly dad—but you’d never catch real men there with their buddies.'
Not long after that lesson on manhood, we found ourselves at a local restaurant where he ordered a sweet potato dish. When I noticed he wasn’t touching it, I asked why. 'Oh, that’s woman’s cuisine,' he declared
Oh?
Fast forward a week, and there he was, digging through his closet for a strap to attach to his 'man bag' so he wouldn’t have to tuck it under his arm. I couldn’t help but notice; slung across his chest, his bag was now officially in purse territory.
Stepmom in Training
From Forced Chatter to Genuine Connection
LeLe and I have a good relationship now, but June to February was up hill. I was trying to figure out my role.
Was I the upbeat, encouraging roommate tossing out compliments like, "Nice shoes! Great drawing!"—since she's a visual artist? Or maybe the self-appointed housekeeper, gently nudging, "Could you maybe clean your dishes after cooking?" Or was I, forever, the creepy, forced small talk maker? "What are you watching?" "How do you like your noodles?" And the classic, "How was school?"
Total cringe.
One of LeLe’s still life drawings from a year ago.
Now, I’ve morphed into a blend of roles, the conversation flows smoother and her dishes don't linger in the sink too long.
A breakthrough came when I stopped throwing dead-end questions about the weather, classes, and movies. Over dinner at a cozy hot pot restaurant, where diners sit around a large communal table and pick their ingredients from a conveyor belt, it was just the two of us when I ventured into new territory: "Do you have a boyfriend?" That opened the floodgates—she had so many complicated thoughts on the topic.
Finally, I could just listen.
Grammar and Grattitude
Tutoring LeLe in English has become a bonding experience for us. We sit together in the living room, working through vocabulary memorization—a key part of the Chinese education system—and tackling grammar.
Typically, she's in full teenager mode, holed up in her room. This has led me to concoct excuses to knock on her door and engage her with mundane questions or win her over with treats like fresh-cut fruit and milk tea or spicy chicken feet and supermarket sushi.
Assuming the tutor role lets me connect without overstep(mother)ing; I'm not here to exert parental control. She sets the terms for our sessions, choosing when and how long we study.
I make it a point to champion her uniqueness. For instance, I use sentence patterns to praise her artistic use of color or her sharp wit. And to nail the Present Perfect Tense—"LeLe has watched Anime since 2012." and “LeLe has wanted a Bichon Firse since last summer.”—I wrote out a timeline of her life, a testament to my interest.
My goal has been clear: I’m here as a bonus, a supplemental figure in her life, ready to be a trusted friend or advisor if she wishes.
It seems to be working—I received a soft-yellow rose and two mini succulents for Mother’s Day.
The Expat Experience
American Fears and Chinese Reality
When I mentioned my move to China, the reaction in the US was a mix of gasps and long pauses. Concern for my mental health and physical safety flashed across people’s faces.
This reaction began to seed doubts in my own mind. Was I really about to, naively, lock myself into an oppressive police state?
Summer Palace photo with a stranger dressed up in traditional HanFu outfit.
I also worried about potential hostility from Chinese people towards me as a Westerner, and particularly as an American. But, my worries were baseless.
The contrast between the average citizens in each country is stark. In terms of geopolitics, Americans seem tense and ready for confrontation, while the Chinese appear distracted and un-opinionated, their attention often fixed on their work and their phones.
Digital Isolation in a Foreign Culture
With the ubiquity of the internet and smartphones, it's too easy to isolate oneself within a digital bubble, even while living in a completely foreign culture. In China, daily tasks are managed through apps, allowing you to go through your day without ever looking up.
However, my experience as an expat is somewhat atypical.
I'm immersed in the local culture. My only interactions are with my new immediate and extended Chinese family, along with friends of HuaWei, none of whom speak English. Thanks to this, my Chinese, which I've been studying intermittently since 1989, has significantly improved.
This is fantastic, but working as an online coach means I don't have coworkers—my usual route to making new friends.
This is currently my greatest challenge: How do I make English-speaking friends in Beijing? It will require a deliberate effort. As much as I enjoy my new family, loneliness creeps in when I can't casually chat in English about everyday things.
Functional Health Coach vs. Conventional Healthcare Consumer Abroad
Tackling healthcare is my second biggest challenge.
So far, I’ve been living dangerously without it. And while I prefer steering clear of hospitals—unless absolutely necessary—I know I need to buckle down and get a plan for those just-in-case moments. As a health coach, admitting this feels like a Taxicab Confession.
But hey, I'm a "functional" health coach, so maybe it makes a bit of sense.
I'm hardly the mascot for conventional medicine. Still, I tip my hat to its prowess in emergencies and acute pain management—kudos where it’s due.
This week's adventure? Securing a catastrophic health plan while I'm in China. That means diving into an ocean of legalese and probably surfacing without a clue about what's actually covered.
Adding to the challenge is the decision—also read: "expense"—of whether an English-speaking doctor and a private room are essential for me. Paying the premium might feel one way, but should I ever need to actually use the plan, I might feel entirely different.
Sounds like a great topic for being coached on, actually.
Summary:
The learning curve? More like a cliff.
Those first six months didn’t just test me; they threw the book at me. Beijing isn't just hot or cold; it’s either trying to cook you alive or freeze you solid, a real shock for an Oregon, Willamette Valley native.
Marriage kicked off as mundane as a trip to the store for milk and eggs. And yet, here we are, somehow making it work, our life together is unfolding nicely.
So far step-motherhood has been a tale of embracing awkwardness. I’ve worked at mastering the art of talking to a teenager whose world orbits a smartphone screen –a feat in itself.
Thanksgiving Day 2023 with HuaWei in my first long down coat.
I’m excited for what’s next. Thankful for air conditioning and down coats. I love my new life and family, even if I’m still finding my way somewhat clumsily.
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